I haven’t written a blog in over two weeks. I could offer up the excuse that moving into our first home combined with the unpacking and the excitement over having our first home together distracted me…and in a way it has. It’s been wonderful and exciting. But honestly, it’s not that.
In the midst of all these happy moments I have had a deep feeling of unhappiness looming around me day and night. For weeks I have done my best to ignore it, thinking that if I force myself to act happy and positive then I will be happy and positive. I have kept up a small social media presence on Instagram, posting random happy moments, telling myself that it is enough, I don’t need to do more right now and to believe in those moments. And good things have happened! I have always believed that thoughts and actions work together so tell yourself to be something and you will be that something. But it hasn’t worked well enough.
I haven’t wanted to blog because I’ve felt so lost and sad. I feared if I started writing I would either have nothing at all to say or would say too much. But over the last few days with some very patient talks with the very patient Husband, I’ve realized I have to write. I can’t bottle it up or ignore it. The truth is I’m sad. Deeply, painfully sad.
I have always had strong emotions, which is wonderful in its own way. I will always feel the highest of highs, but with that can come the lowest of lows and these strong feelings can overwhelm me sometimes. In the past, I’ve always accepted the lows because the happy moments are so incredible, but I’ve also never experienced such a loss. I was horribly scared when my mom got sick last year and deeply saddened when I had my miscarriage, but losing my uncle, who I was so close to has been so hard. I’ve never lost someone so important to me, other than my dog (before you judge we got him when I was ten years old and he was my constant companion for sixteen years) and I don’t understand how to handle a loss this deep just yet. But I am working on it.
The Husband has been so good to me, in the middle of my random eruptions of anger or furious bursts of tears, he has stayed by my side and talked me though these moments. He has reminded me of what I should know of myself, what I should do to help myself through this time and of what my uncle would want for me. So I’m working on it. This blog post is my first step back. My moment to acknowledge how I am still feeling and that I can move forward. Step one.